The things and people who are meant to be in our lives require no chasing, because they want to be there as much as we want them to be. There is no need to beg, convince, impress, or to perform for attention, affection or to be seen and heard, because it is given and shown freely. This is something I’ve only learned in recent years and to be frank, it is still something I still struggle to accept at times. As someone who has struggled with self-esteem and self-acceptance for much of my life, it can be challenging to think of my own needs and focus on not abandoning myself in the midst of holding onto others or things that may not be in my best interests.
Learning the truth or reasons why things happened or didn’t is something I’ve always sought after. The ambiguity of friendships, relationships, or certain situations in life occurring or ending without reason or cause is sometimes the most challenging of all to accept, but is a large part of life. It’s like an illness or certain health event that arises seemingly out of nowhere and is classified as “idiopathic”, or left with an undetermined cause. There is a constant why, a constant how, a constant, why me, or why them? All rhetorical questions that have no direct answer, but instead, we are asked to accept, pivot, continue on and weather through what we are facing. Sometimes, we feel stagnant because of it; trapped in a swirling torrent of emotions that never cease, or that we feel may never cease.
Sometimes I sit and look at the clock, wondering if this is the moment when I learn why, or how, or when the message from “them” will surface. More often than not, the answers never come and the silence is so potent and strong that all I can do is close my eyes, or focus on pages of a magazine, or the soft fur of my dog, Daisy, as I pet her.
Quietly, earlier this month, I turned a year older and unlike prior years, especially since my 30th birthday, six years ago, I didn’t fixate on the number and all it represents, but instead, ushered in a reset of the next 12 months. A lot of loss and change has happened since the start of this year, forcing me to re-evaluate and sit in a lot of uncomfortable emotions/feelings. Through the silences, the unanswered questions, the “no’s,” or the “not nows,” a lot was made clear, at the same time. No matter what I’ve been through and faced, no matter what I’ve left behind, or what I’ve yet to accomplish, I’m still as much a person as the people next to me, who may have more to show for themselves. Maybe I’ll never be a shining star in all I do, but the one thing I’m proud of is my giving heart and ability to love and help others feel seen, even when my own heart hurts inside and feels a little bit broken and messy. We don’t have to have our own lives figured out to hold out a hand for another, or extend a listening ear; we just have to care. Love, care and time, to me, is worth so much more than the money in a bank account, or the number of work successes, because at the end of the day, letting someone know you care, can be the words that bring the small ounce of hope someone needs to hold on.
M3: Melissa's Morning Musings 