It’s hard to believe about a month or so has passed since I last posted. At the beginning of this month, I embarked on a new venture in the job realm. While I was apprehensive about it, I decided to take a chance, feeling as though the possibility of success and at least some type of learning experience could come of it. That said, the morning of the first day, I awoke with a sense of fear and dread, questioning what I’d gotten myself into. Did I act on a whim? Should I have given my decision more thought? These were real, true wonders I had and I could feel my sense of dread growing with every minute inching me closer towards my 8:30am start.
What I walked into is nothing I’d like to describe. In fact, I’d like to keep most of those thoughts for my own private reference and reflection, but what I’d like to share is mainly what I’ve learned, even if it might seem cliche, or obvious to some people.
- The easiest and quickest way to be sad and lonely is try to be someone you’re not. Whether it is through working at a certain-type of job or environment, spending time with people who don’t understand you, don’t respect you, or most importantly, celebrate you for who you ARE, quirks included.
- I like to do my best, whether I am going to receive a benefit or not. It doesn’t matter to me if I will gain something monetarily, emotionally, or anything else. If I am going to do something, I will strive to do it with all my heart. It doesn’t matter if someone else has snubbed me or lead me astray, I will still try my best to do what I feel is right.
- Intention means more than doing something the “correct way.” For instance, I didn’t always complete each task the “right” way when learning new skills in different jobs, or in school, but what I’ve learned through the years is that if my INTENT is to help, or to do something with all my heart and effort, than that is what really matters.
- When I make a mistake, I OWN UP to it. I don’t deny that I haven’t always made the right choices or decisions, whether small, insignificant or not, but I will always admit to it. Sometimes admitting to certain mistakes are easier than others, but I will still admit fault where and when warranted. I’m not ashamed to show people I’m not faultless. Yes, I have quirks, insecurities, fears, worries, sometimes I can come off as a perfectionist, sometimes I can talk too fast, sometimes I can obsess over things other people might give little thought to. These all make me who I am, but I’m not trying to pretend.
- What I’ll never understand is why people choose to behave one way towards another person and then completely turn around and snub them in the worst of ways. I’ve contemplated this for weeks now, as to why other people choose to bring other people down. I will never understand why or how people would be able to obtain personal satisfaction and gratification from knowing they’ve hurt someone, insulted them, or made them feel awful. I could never understand or imagine someone feeling remotely happy or pleased with themselves knowing they’ve made their coworker hang their head in shame, or sit in their car sobbing to themselves, feeling as though they are worthless. I know that as individuals, we really shouldn’t give people the power to decide our fate and feelings, but sometimes, feeling badly when someone has used repugnant words or expressed negative and discerning emotions towards us, it is beyond difficult to not feel badly. For me personally, throughout my life, I’ve been guilty of internalizing the way other people treat me. I’ve taken their harsh words and emotions and used it against myself in ways to cause myself even more pain and for this, it makes me human. It makes me human to admit I’m not faultless and sometimes I care too much about what others think and how others perceive me. When it comes down to it though, my goal in life is to never make someone feel like they need to question who they are, or be ashamed of who they are. Everyone has something about them that makes them unique and rather than question or criticize these quirks or creative differences, I’d rather be the one celebrating them.
- I’d rather make someone smile each and every day, then be the one who is making them cry. Enough said.
So yes, this month has been one filled with tumultuous emotions, tears and smiles. This month brought the celebration of my niece’s first birthday, and also allowed me to make choices and reflections on my life path. While others might question my choices and scratch their heads wondering about my reasoning, that’s not for them to decide. Not everyone’s path is for everyone else, and you know what? That’s exactly how it should be. It all goes back to that one Robert Frost quote I’ve come to know and highly regard: “I took the road less traveled and it has made all the difference.” I first acquainted myself with that quote on a college admission essay question to Northwestern University. I never thought that very quote would prove to follow me throughout the course of my life, a decade later.
Nonetheless, here I am. I’m filled with ideas, dreams and goals. I try to see it as not a mess of a life, but more so a maze. Yes, a maze, that while the path is not always crystal clear, or easy to navigate, but one filled with adventure and promise, and though I might have to work a little harder than some to get through it, I tell myself, “don’t worry, you’ll get there soon.” For now, I’ll enjoy it and tell myself, life has ways of surprising us and to trust it’s process.