Life as a Lotus

Yesterday, I stopped in my tracks as I scrolled through a social media site, quickly transfixed by the image and words shared by a local radio DJ I follow. The image, as you can see below, details the various situations so many of us find ourselves in, day in and day out. It recognizes the love being sent to all and I thought it was a poignant image to be shared, which is why I, myself, am sharing it with those who may be reading. Generally in life, it can be a challenge to fully be seen and recognized, but even more so today, given the current climate and conditions. The smiles we once exchanged with a stranger are now limited to a head tilt of acknowledgement or a knowing glance with our eyes. The hands we once shook are now limited to a wave, “fist pump” or “air-five.” This year, without much needing to be explained contains a series of losses, but also gains.

Some may think, gains? What gains could this year possibly have? The truth is, if we take a moment and reflect back, it can be noted how much can be done with less. Somehow, we’ve reached this moment, even during the days filled with darkness, and though for many, the darkness ensues, it still leads me to think of the concept of the lotus flower.

As someone who is particularly taken by inspirational jewelry, I would often see a uniquely-shaped flower featured on many of the designs referred to as a lotus. Curious as to why the lotus was such a popular choice to be used on inspirational jewelry, I quickly searched for more information and learned it is the sole flower whose roots are in the dirtiest of water and mud, yet it still emerges as one of the most beautiful, highly-regarded and valued flower of them all. The correlation between the lotus flower and life, especially during these current times, is ultimately undeniable. In my own life, I’ve related back to the lotus flower many times and in particular, during the times of the beginning of my college years.

The year was 2006, approaching the end of the Summer season with Labor Day fast approaching. My belongings were piled into the rented SUV and my family and I drove the two or so hours northward into northern New Jersey, where I moved in and my family departed soon after. Looking around after my family departed, I felt lost, alone and wondering if I’d made the right choice. So many of my emotional and physical health problems sat beside me, following my every move, leaving me in tears most of those few short weeks, those very tears my sole companion through nights of fitful sleep. Still, I ignored the small voice inside of me until I couldn’t.

Weeks into the semester, my mom and sister came to collect my belongings while I officially withdrew from campus. The ride home, I sat silent, reflecting back on my choice and wondering what would happen next. My mind was a torrent of swirling thoughts, catastrophizing my current situation, nearly unable to see past the decisions I’d made. Truth be told, I deeply berated myself in the subsequent days, perplexed as to what my next steps should be, feeling diminished and defeated. Then one day, I decided I would no longer pity myself and settled onto the sofa with my laptop. The concept of online learning at that time was still fairly new and not widely offered, but I queued up Google and decided to do a bit of my own searching.

Finally, I discovered a college in shore town of New Jersey offering online classes that were slated to begin in days. Knowing what I wanted to do, I quickly submitted my enrollment and my sister, Hope and I drove the distance to retrieve the textbooks and materials and finalize my enrollment. The day of my enrollment was the day I began to emerge from the dirt and ruins, similar to the lotus flower; making the choice to not be a victim, but to become a new version of myself. What I came to understand and realize was that I was not defeated, but rather, re-positioned and given the chance to settle on what was more aligned with my life stage, at that point.

By no means was college easy for me when it came to my emotional and physical health/wellbeing. There were days I wanted to surrender, often crying in the computer lab to my sister via email, wondering if this was really the place for me. Somehow, I made it through, albeit taking short breaks to care for my health, but ultimately received my diploma, symbolizing my rise from the pain and anguish.

When I reflect on this year, I think about the people around me, or scattered throughout the world, nursing pain, loss, anguish, fear, and an excruciating need for help or acknowledgment. There are nights when I chastise myself for not doing more; for not pursuing my goals of professionally helping others, as I thought I would. There are nights when I watch the TV, hearing of the loss, suffering and pain; the words that sit with me for days to come, resounding in my head when I see calls for donations and relief.

Then I thought to myself late last night, as I attempted sleep, of what I COULD do, instead of what I cannot. Suffice it to say, no, I am not the licensed therapist, social worker, or mental health professional I thought I might once be. Nor am I the seasoned journalist or magazine editor I, at one time I thought I might be, but I AM someone; someone, who sees the hurt and pain in others and will share the quotes, affirmations and candid, unedited accounts of personal struggles detailing my own pain, disappointments and near collapse.

There have been countless times where I’ve needed to wipe myself off the ground and begin again; the moments when I wondered if anything could or would ever change. Sometimes, we need a safe place and a means to realize that healing does not need to be linear, nor flawless to be relevant or a move in the right direction. Healing takes time, but it is important to realize that no matter what you’ve been through or continue to go through, just like the lotus, you, too, can emerge from the dirt and pain and forge an even more meaningful and content life and situation than ever before or perhaps even for the first time.

Growing is not something we solely do from infancy through adolescence/young adulthood, it is a lifelong process, filled with sometimes turbulent, but also tranquil patterns, similar to that of weather. Sometimes I relate this back to a blizzard or snowstorm; so disruptive to everyday life, rendering us off the roads and in the confines of houses and other structures, but then after it finally stops, a calm sets in. Last week, I watched as the snow illuminated my house through the darkness of the night, still making its presence known, but symbolizing there is light through whatever the nuisance the snow originally caused.

Give yourself time, patience and understanding and the realization that despite how stagnant life can seem at times, even after the most turbulent storms, the sun makes its way back to us, maybe not quickly, but when it is ready.