Today I did it. I deleted a text message thread that existed for many months. It wasn’t easy and I contemplated doing so over the preceding weeks, but today, I decided it was time to take back my freedom. Seeing that text message each day was only robbing me of owning my individuality and sense of self. To me, it was a sign of disrespecting of myself and served as a reminder of the many moments I spent pouring care, concern and honesty into someone who did not want it and quite frankly, was not ready for it. Maybe they came into my life for a reason; to teach me what I don’t want or need, to teach me to embody my strength, to take back my power as a woman of worth; to remove myself as being an option for someone who did not want me as a choice and would never choose me.
When our communication began, I desperately wanted to believe it was mutually enjoyed, that there were benefits derived by each of us, but I realized this was never going to be the case. It was me; always me driving communication forward, always sending the message, always asking, always caring, always extending the hand, a listening ear and comforting word. Several days ago, I arrived at this realization, or maybe rather, it was the first time I finally began to BELIEVE and acknowledge the realization. Months ago and even weeks ago, I wasn’t ready to leave the communication fully behind, even though communication had ceased nearly two months ago. Still, I held out hope; I made excuses (he’s busy, he’s upset, he’s tending to other decisions, etc). That’s all they were though – excuses and invalid ones, at that. The truth? He was a person I met, a person I communicated with, met a couple times and weaved a story around that only truly existed in the confines of my mind. Is it wrong to have wished for something more, something enchanting and captivating? Of course not, but for me, I’ve come to realize that everyone we meet in life is not meant to stay, which can often be a painful truth. Sometimes, they come into our lives to teach us an important lesson; sometimes about life, other times about ourselves and how strong we really are, what and who we need and vice versa.
To realize all I hoped for is not reality is a tough pill to swallow, but a necessary one. Leaving behind the ones who are not ready or don’t want what we do, allows us to make space and open doors for those who do. Maybe it happens soon, or maybe in years, or maybe not at all, but even despite all these potential truths, I start the day with the awareness that whether or not it happens, I am whole, just as I am.
M3: Melissa's Morning Musings 